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I was going to social club some footling vintage side tables last calendar week just the commitment time, from the Netherlands, was estimated at 4-5 weeks. Considering that the tables are already made – they are secondhand – what in heaven'southward name way of transport could possible take four-5 weeks? I could construct my own tables in iv-v weeks, whittling the frames from wood that I have painstakingly collected from the garden and stale out in the ambulation cupboard. In iv-v weeks I could do a crash class in glass bravado and make the bloody tabletop!

At the very least I could hire a van and bulldoze over to kingdom of the netherlands myself, and back, and that would only have two days. In fact: Google Maps informs me that it'south virtually 8 hours one way and and so I could feasibly do information technology in a mean solar day if I mainlined Coca Cola and didn't stop for a wee.

What transport method could peradventure take iv-5 weeks then? I'yard finding this hard to fathom. Allow'southward say it goes by boat, which I'grand guessing is the slowest way, how long could a crossing from the Netherlands possibly take? Is it going by rowing boat? Canoe? Pedalo? Is the boat the sort of boat that goes around the houses (or the coastline), picking up other bits and pieces from other ports before finally, thankfully, sliding wearily into the harbour at its final destination? Is it a bit like when you hold to share a minibus to go home from a wedding ceremony and a 10 minute journey ends up taking three hours because yous have to go to Leytonstone via Putney, Notting Hill, Maida Vale and then Putney once again considering Jeffrey and Toni passed out drunkard and missed their stop? Is it like that? Does the boat become all the style up to the east declension of Scotland to pick up some huge crates of frozen organic salmon, and while it's in the harbour all of the piece of furniture from the Netherlands can be heard grumbling from beneath deck?

'Fuck's sake, Coffeetable. I told you lot we should take gone in the van with the bedstead and the flooring lamps. Sideboard Bob will be officially an antique past the time nosotros get to Shoreditch.'

'It was cheaper this mode, Brass Barcart, I'thou sorry, I don't know what else to say…'

More Google Map research shows that I could actuallywalkto Amsterdam in 79 hours. How mad is that? I'yard guessing that with two solid contumely side tables strapped to my back it might take just a bit longer to walk back again, but yet, I reckon I'd do the whole thing in less than two weeks. For free. There is actually a collect in person option, so mayhap I'll surprise them.

'Hi at that place, I'one thousand here to collect the contumely and drinking glass Jean Charles side tables?'

'Oh howdy, yeah, they're right here ready to get. Can I help yous with them into your van?'

'Nah, no worries. I'1000 on foot.'

'On…foot?'

'Yeah, it was just 10 days delivery time rather than your 28-35 days and I idea I'd salve on postage stamp. If you can just hoist them up onto my back in that location and pull this dubious-looking abseiling strap around to secure them, that'd exist neat.'

LOL.

The only send method I can remember of, where it would legitimately take that long to ship something from the netherlands to Somerset, is this: sparrows. Information technology'southward a flake of aJames and the Giant Peachscenario, but bear with. You tie a load of sparrows onto the tables using fine pieces of thread and when you take enough sparrows the tables lift into the air. They all fly, always and so e'er so slowly, across land and sea and country again, merely they don't know where the hell Somerset is and stop upward in Barcelona. By then, some of the sparrows have perished and and then the Castilian branch of Overpriced MidCentury Classicshas to catch the tables using a human being with a hand glider, attach more sparrows whilst in mid-air and ship them off again in the right direction.

Another method slow enough to take 4-v weeks would exist past magical van. A van that can do all sorts of amazing things – plow into a musical fairground carousel, become a submarine, change anyone who drives it into a talking squirrel – but tin't drive in a straight line. Magic van tin only drive in e'er-widening circles, which ways that the end destination has to be advisedly calculated using the on-lath Spirolometer and extra time has to be immune for all of the pissing nearly the van has to do earlier actually getting to the place it needs to go. It wastes the first week driving effectually and effectually the bike lanes of Amsterdam, much to everyone'south annoyance, and in one case it gets to the Uk the magic omnibus spends a good while doing both the N Circular and then the M25. Clockwise.

Give me strength. Literally. I'm setting off to get the tables tomorrow and the last time I walked more than ten miles I twisted my ankle…

Photo past David Tomaseti on Unsplash